Hope you all had a nice Memorial Day weekend. Unfortunately, I was sick the entire time. The antibiotics helped my strep throat but then I got a nasty cold....at least I think it was a cold. It started in my sinuses and basically zapped my energy and appetite. And I never have much of an appetite to begin with, so I couldn't eat anything, couldn't go anywhere. I missed two barbecues cuz I just couldn't get my sick butt out of bed. But thankfully I am finally starting to feel better.
Made a mistake this morning though. My boyfriend has been telling me that I need to try to gain some weight. I know it's true, but it's so hard to eat real "human" food. But to try to force myself this morning, I ate small bowl of Cinnamon Burst Cheerios, a half of an Activia Light yogurt and then I fried up an egg and put a slice of Kraft 2% cheese on it. Well, I couldn't finish the Cheerios cuz they tasted funny. Same with the Activia. But I did eat the egg, which tasted really good. I thought I would be okay, but an hour later, my stomach started gurgling and the pains began. All day now I have been having stomach issues.
So much for trying a new diet. If I feel up to eating tomorrow, it's back to my usual Cream of Wheat and bananas with peanut butter. :(
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Living with emetophobia
Well, thought I'd finally get into this day and age and create a blog of my own. And what to start writing about than what I know best. My emetophobia! If you all don't know what that is, it's basically the fear of vomit. I've had it as long as I can remember; but it has only started to really affect my life the past 6 months. It basically controls everything I do. There isn't one second while I am awake that I am not consumed by this fear. I eat very little and only certain foods. I have lost 20 pounds since November 2010. I am 5'7" and now weigh 115 pounds and my weight continues to drop weekly. Being 27 and living in Southern California, I'm not really too concerned about the weight loss since it's all about image here. But I definitely miss food. I used to love steak, burgers, pizza, chicken, turkey. But now I won't eat any of that. I basically live on cream of wheat, toast, peanut butter, bananas and yogurt. Easily digestible foods. But now, even those are beginning to taste weird to me.
I recently started therapy because I am sick and tired of feeling this way. Trapped in my own life. Aside from the emetophobia causing my eating disorder, I also wash and sanitize everything constantly. I clean my cell phone at least 5 times a day. Wash my hands at least 25 times a day. My hands actually get so dry from all the washing that they crack and bleed. But I can never put lotion on them because I know that I will just wash it off in another few minutes. I carry Lysol wipes in my car, my purse, and I have 4 large containers in my house. I recently read that hand sanitizing gel doesn't kill the norovirus anymore; so I threw all them out and now will only use wipes. I am also going to mix up some water and bleach solution in a couple spray bottles and have one in my car and in my purse just as an extra precaution.
If I even see someone vomit on tv or in a movie; I feel sick all day long. Or if a friend or someone on tv says they feel sick; I constantly worry. Even if I haven't been around the person or don't even know the person, it still affects me. I think, "well, if they're sick, then something must be going around, so I could have been exposed to it from someone else". I even have dreams about vomit. My most recurring one is being chased around by someone who is vomiting.
Even as I am writing this, I'm thinking how insane I sound. I wish I could just be normal. I want to have a child one day and I'm so scared of it. I've had a boyfriend for 6 years and I've been fine with taking care of him when he is sick. I've heard him vomit, I've seen his vomit and even though it's gross; I was okay with it. So I'm hoping that if I do have a child that it won't bother me since they are mine. Though I fear morning sickness and I would definitely fear a sick child passing the sickness onto me.
I usually vomit about once every 5 years or so. I do everything in my power not to; but sometimes you just have to. And honestly, it is never really that bad when it happens. A year or so ago, I got food poisoning and threw up fierce where it even came out my nose; but after that, I felt better. I guess it's just the lack of control; worrying about when and where and if I'll make it to the bathroom in time. My parents have light carpet and since they got it, I've always worried about getting sick on it and staining the carpet. I am insane. Who thinks about that stuff. Then I think, well, what if they got hardwood and then I get sick on that; won't the stomach acid eat through the tarnish.
Right now I've been sick with strep throat. I'm not a lover of medication since a lot of medication have side effects of nausea and vomiting. But I finally couldn't stand the pain and went into the doctor. As I was in the waiting room, some guy next to me was hacking without covering his mouth and breathing very heavy and farting like a madman. It was extremely disgusting and I was just consumed with fear wondering if I was going to catch whatever illness he was unfortunately spreading throughout the office. So basically I am now waiting to catch whatever he has and hoping it's nothing too serious. I did get some amoxicillin for my strep throat. I'm okay with that cuz I know I'm not allergic to it.
Wow, I can't believe I wrote that much. Have an awesome Memorial weekend everyone.
I recently started therapy because I am sick and tired of feeling this way. Trapped in my own life. Aside from the emetophobia causing my eating disorder, I also wash and sanitize everything constantly. I clean my cell phone at least 5 times a day. Wash my hands at least 25 times a day. My hands actually get so dry from all the washing that they crack and bleed. But I can never put lotion on them because I know that I will just wash it off in another few minutes. I carry Lysol wipes in my car, my purse, and I have 4 large containers in my house. I recently read that hand sanitizing gel doesn't kill the norovirus anymore; so I threw all them out and now will only use wipes. I am also going to mix up some water and bleach solution in a couple spray bottles and have one in my car and in my purse just as an extra precaution.
If I even see someone vomit on tv or in a movie; I feel sick all day long. Or if a friend or someone on tv says they feel sick; I constantly worry. Even if I haven't been around the person or don't even know the person, it still affects me. I think, "well, if they're sick, then something must be going around, so I could have been exposed to it from someone else". I even have dreams about vomit. My most recurring one is being chased around by someone who is vomiting.
Even as I am writing this, I'm thinking how insane I sound. I wish I could just be normal. I want to have a child one day and I'm so scared of it. I've had a boyfriend for 6 years and I've been fine with taking care of him when he is sick. I've heard him vomit, I've seen his vomit and even though it's gross; I was okay with it. So I'm hoping that if I do have a child that it won't bother me since they are mine. Though I fear morning sickness and I would definitely fear a sick child passing the sickness onto me.
I usually vomit about once every 5 years or so. I do everything in my power not to; but sometimes you just have to. And honestly, it is never really that bad when it happens. A year or so ago, I got food poisoning and threw up fierce where it even came out my nose; but after that, I felt better. I guess it's just the lack of control; worrying about when and where and if I'll make it to the bathroom in time. My parents have light carpet and since they got it, I've always worried about getting sick on it and staining the carpet. I am insane. Who thinks about that stuff. Then I think, well, what if they got hardwood and then I get sick on that; won't the stomach acid eat through the tarnish.
Right now I've been sick with strep throat. I'm not a lover of medication since a lot of medication have side effects of nausea and vomiting. But I finally couldn't stand the pain and went into the doctor. As I was in the waiting room, some guy next to me was hacking without covering his mouth and breathing very heavy and farting like a madman. It was extremely disgusting and I was just consumed with fear wondering if I was going to catch whatever illness he was unfortunately spreading throughout the office. So basically I am now waiting to catch whatever he has and hoping it's nothing too serious. I did get some amoxicillin for my strep throat. I'm okay with that cuz I know I'm not allergic to it.
Wow, I can't believe I wrote that much. Have an awesome Memorial weekend everyone.
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